Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
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everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
selena gomez
Netflix and you sit over there.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree