@markedly

I put an ice cream sandwich on my pillow a few hours ago so I would have a bedtime treat. Now it’s finally time to cash in!

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@TuSoonShakur

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

@thats_a_morey

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

@mckinneykelsey

I am yet again asking the olympics to simply let a regular non athlete person do the event first so I can understand how good these people are

@VerbsRProudest

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

@TheBeerGuy73

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

@meganamram

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

@AJslackie

I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on my back hair, now I can’t sleep.

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.