Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I put an ice cream sandwich on my pillow a few hours ago so I would have a bedtime treat. Now it’s finally time to cash in!
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What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I am yet again asking the olympics to simply let a regular non athlete person do the event first so I can understand how good these people are
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on my back hair, now I can’t sleep.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?