My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
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I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.