I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Well, this is awkward
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Roombas should bark
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”