I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
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My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.