I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
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wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
listen closely
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.