Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I’m giving up ice.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Oh deer
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good