I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
You Might Also Like
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
put ‘er there pardner!
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I have so many questions.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.