I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
c’mon!
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
