Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
G: Fire’s running low.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
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I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of all the Transformers.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
People that don’t know how cake
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
*Gets down on one knee*
Help my knee is made of magnets
[first day as detective]
partner: he must have drown-
me: looks like he died trying to drink this entire swimming pool
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.