Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Thursday Thought.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I am never leaving this website
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.