@autumnsays_

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

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@Iwriteforcats

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

@1Happytwit

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

@Marcmywords2

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

@DadZZZasleep

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

@PhilJamesson

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

@EndhooS

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

@_coryrichardson

[first day as detective]

partner: he must have drown-

me: looks like he died trying to drink this entire swimming pool

@SadMeterologist

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

@ericsshadow

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.