I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
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BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
A choir of Spring onions