I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
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URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
you’re not fooling anyone
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.