I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*