I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I put the hot in psychotic.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery