Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

*names my little horse OneTrick*

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

2024 has been a rough few years

(Jupiter –

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND