Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.