Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

My boss called in sick of me

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.