I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
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Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”