Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

Worst Native American name ever.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

Scream sneezers need love too.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Can Happiness buy money?

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?