I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
You Might Also Like
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*