Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?