I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
