Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.