Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me too 😆

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.