Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.