@Pundamentalism My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
@DonKinderknecht I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
- @DonKinderknecht
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@Pundamentalism 
@kumailn Twitter 1 Act:
-Person misreads sarcasm
-You point out it’s sarcasm
-“I know I was being sarcastic back”
-Sharpen pencil, jam it in own eye
@Darylch Lots of hockey tweets, sadly I’m from Alabama where a bunch of white guys chasing something black with sticks has a whole different meaning.
@fivethirtyeight Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.
@KenJennings I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
@markhoppus Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.
@DaddyJew Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
@occupied_stall I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
@dreamthievin My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
@iwearaonesie My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth