I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!