@DonKinderknecht

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. πŸ™

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@rn_murse

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

@clichedout

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

@Jandalize

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

@GrowlyGrego

*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

@novicefather

[glances toward living room stenographer]

“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”

stenographer: I promise not to get mad

@roxiqt

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

@LoneWolfStanley

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

@Sal0630

A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.