Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
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ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?
[glances toward living room stenographer]
“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”
stenographer: I promise not to get mad
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.