I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
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Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.