I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
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[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus