I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
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There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.