Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

Livid.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

good work, detective

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.