I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I ate everything, including the H.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.