I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
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Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.