i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
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“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?