i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
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Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.