I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
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A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.