What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I…do not understand how electricity works.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.