Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
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Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: Iâm looking for the mute button
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Daughterâs math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dadâs bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driverâs license
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3âŠ2âŠ1âŠtake off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
âYou gotta get me out of here, man.â
âRelax, Monty, Iâm working on it.â
âYou talk to my lawyer?â
âYeah, the cops donât have shit.â
âOkay, good. Howâs Theresa?â
âFine, her momâs staying with her.â
âThanks for all this, Frankie.â
âHey, thatâs what cousins are for.â
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”âŠ
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds