Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

ew if literal: let me be clear

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Inside you there are two wolves

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”