Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

good work, detective

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park