I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
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Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Canadian owl: Eh?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!