Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

When you can’t find your friend Neil

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Planet of the Apps.

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too