I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
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By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Whoa 😂
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
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