I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
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falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]