I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.