Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite