Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

#NoRestForTheWicked

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.