Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected