I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
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The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I am HOWLING at this
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.