Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

Is there a class for just the karate noises?