I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH