I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??