I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
#ProTip
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
there has never been a better use of this meme
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”