I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
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my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.