I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
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“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Saturday
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards