Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.