I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
old twitter is back baby
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
October 31
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
thanksgiving in nutshell
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down