I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
never stops being funny
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning