I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.