I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*