I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.