I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician