Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs