Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded