Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Why is everyone getting married at me

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut