I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
man: wait
time: no
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.