I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Hmmmmmmm….
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!