Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.