I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
it takes so much energy
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok