You will feel dumb when we find out the guy who headshotted Harambe was from the future trying to prevent Planet of the Apes..
I put my pants on like everyone else….
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Stranger: “Excuse me where is the nearest…”
Me: “GOOGLE IT!”
that’s disgusting (unless you’re up for it?)
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
ME: I think I love you
My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.