I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

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You will feel dumb when we find out the guy who headshotted Harambe was from the future trying to prevent Planet of the Apes..


So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.


My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”


DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*


Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.


Stranger: “Excuse me where is the nearest…”



[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you


My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.