I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.