@SufficientCharm

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

You Might Also Like

@That_Matt2

You will feel dumb when we find out the guy who headshotted Harambe was from the future trying to prevent Planet of the Apes..

@hero_ofthenight

So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

@AndrewNadeau0

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

@supershayne

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

@Cpt_Burnout

Stranger: “Excuse me where is the nearest…”

Me: “GOOGLE IT!”

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

@hazelmotes1

My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.