I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
*skinny dips into black hole
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
LOL
I can’t wait!
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.