Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.