“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Unimpressed